Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
You Might Also Like
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
This meeting could have been a cake
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help