Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
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Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
started wrapping my pills in cheese
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby