if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
You Might Also Like
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
😂💯
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Love this guy
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.