The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
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But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
what’s really going on
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.