Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
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Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.