*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
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I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Bruh PLEASE
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt