Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Guy who likes music
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
☠️☠️☠️
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?