The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
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[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
estão todos miauvindo?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”