maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
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your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.