MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
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Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
birds and squirrels envy us
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
early stone age tool
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.