[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
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i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.