A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
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Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Yup
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Webb. James Webb.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”