What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
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My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
That’s what I call a flat tire
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
lost dog
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.