She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Somebody call the cops.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
🤣🤣
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*