[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
You Might Also Like
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it