I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
You Might Also Like
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle