[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
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Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.