We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
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Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone