[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
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me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.