Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
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roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.