thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
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*jingles half the way*
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
The only good comments section online is on recipes
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..