I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what