Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
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Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?