ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
You Might Also Like
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Ken is short for chicken
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do