My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
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Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Beware of fowl play.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Ok team, today we’re …..oh