I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
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I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
[shakes fist at other fist]
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god