For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
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New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*