“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
This is my pinned tweet
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Worth a try
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test