every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
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My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
#parenting