Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
You Might Also Like
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Autocorrect is my menesis
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
From Facebook just now…
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”