[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
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[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
This woman is my idol. Free her.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME