I should have stayed in kindergarten.
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Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly