Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
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So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*