*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
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Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
*limbos under the caution tape
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.