Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
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“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Encore…
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE