if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
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Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
They’re not wrong
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
i hope my email finds you on fire
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.