Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
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I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*