Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
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I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Mad Max Arctic Road
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.