ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake