Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
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Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.