I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
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Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Sign of the day..
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me