“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
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Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
selfie game
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.