Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
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My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
i will not be silenced
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
black phone good
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
The big book of baby names but for safe words
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination