Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
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My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
“and how does that make you feel?”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Lmao
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women