Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
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WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I can also cook 😂
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.