You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
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My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
same energy
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*