My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
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I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you