gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
You Might Also Like
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which