Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
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Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?