(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
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Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
beware of dog
(jukin media)
seems fine
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell